Living in Paradox: How Great Leaders Integrate Extremes at Work

A paradox is an experience, statement, proposition, person or thing that appears contradictory, both true and untrue at the same time. For example, when someone says to you, “I’m lying”, do you believe them or are they lying?

Each day leaders face expectations from their staff, peers, board, investors and clients. Some want you to be fast, while others ask you to take your time. Grow your business, and have a balanced life. Do whatever it takes to reach your goals, but don’t hurt people. Have a family, but stay at work until your job is done. The best leaders have learned to master the art of integrating the extremes of apparent paradoxes. (see a list of common paradoxes here)

We manage conflicting, competing and changing priorities and paradoxes every day. Those who do this well seem to be happier, content, receive more promotions, and get more done in less time, with less stress. They function better under pressure and are able to make difficult decisions, faster, with less information. They don’t sway from their objectives and are not distracted by the masses.

Leaders who get caught in paradoxes flounder. They ride the ball of the pendulum swing, trying to live a one-sided life, attached and then avoidant, seeking the unrealistic fantasy of living without fear or failure. The bounce between boredom and burnout, highs and lows, and periods of grow and slow.

You cannot be a one sided coin. You are both sweetheart and smartass – it’s a package deal.

Here are 3 steps to integrating extremes so you can better manage the apparent paradoxes of being a leader.

Step 1: Be Aware of The Paradox

How often are you unaware that your frustrations are due to the unrealistic expectation for you to be only one part of a whole, or that you are torn between two competing demands?

Your emotions are symptoms that result from lopsided and incomplete perceptions or belief systems. For example, the breakdown of your computer isn’t the source of your feelings of frustrations, your perceptions of the experience is. The first step to integrating this paradox is to train yourself to become aware of the root cause of your distracting emotions.

Where am I expecting myself to be one-sided?
What are the conflicting or competing demands that I am unable to reconcile?

Step 2: Be Neither Attached, or Unattached

Building on the Buddhist principle, we are all in the process of learning to be in the space between both attachment and avoidance (non-attached). Let’s look at a quick feedback cycle.

Parents are constantly telling kids to be honest (we think it’s called good parenting). The problem occurs when the child tells the truth, and the parent disciplines them.

It looks something like this;

Parent: “Tell me the truth, what did you do?”
Child: “I broke the glass.”
Parent: “What have I told you about being careful in the kitchen? You’re grounded, go to your room.”

What has the child learned? Telling the truth gets them into trouble and sometimes it is better to lie (e.g., “It wasn’t me, the cat did it.”).

Adults are just as smart. We learn that telling the truth can be painful to us and others, and so we learn to experience the benefits of lying or avoiding pain. But if we go too far with lying, we experience the pains of that too. Because guess what? People disagree on when it is OK to lie and when it is not! Welcome back to the paradox.

Here’s an example that perhaps you’ve experienced at work. Let’s say you want to get 20 new clients in the next year which would create significant growth, while also slowing down and taking time for yourself. The frustration comes from your brain asking the question, “How can I grow and slow at the same time?!” Welcome to a paradox.

Some may try focusing on growth first. In its extreme, this focus and dedication can lead to burnout and cost you relationships, health and self-worth.

That might lead to a swing in the other direction where you decide to slow down, take more time for yourself, get your health back, and spend time with family and friends. But after a while, that little voice inside your head starts talking about numbers and targets and you feel drawn back to work. And so the paradox pendulum swings.

First you learn the drawbacks of being too focused on growth and then you learn the drawbacks of being too focused on slowing down. The cycle continues, forever trying to compensate for living an extreme or one-sided life. Until, a stalemate occurs. This is when you begin to realize that you can’t do one without the other, and that you secretly want to be able to do both at the same time.

The good news is you are designed to live in paradox. You are designed to want to grow and slow at the same time. What you might not have realized is that life is setting you up to learn how to do both at the same time. The magic is in how you perceive the choices the paradox offers you.

Step 3: Be Open to the Wisdom Inside the Paradox

If you recognize that you live in multiple paradoxes at any given moment, and you are open-minded to consider that you cannot escape living in paradoxes, then you’re ready to look at how to make this space a place for you to thrive as a leader.

When you are able to live in paradox, you learn to master your perceptions. When making decisions under pressure, you have a greater ability to see the benefits and drawbacks of a specific action or inaction. Instead of being attached or avoidant, you become present and able to make more efficient and effective decisions. No matter what life obstacles are thrown at you – you are able to learn, adapt and be resilient.

Mastering your perceptions means being able to look at two competing choices or ideals, or both sides of the paradox and ask yourself, how could the benefits of one choice, create benefits inside the other choice?

Using our example above, this would mean acknowledging the benefits and drawbacks of both growing and slowing. Not just being willing to grow and slow, but being willing to grow and slow at the same time. You can do this by asking yourself questions like; How would growing my business allow me to slow my life? or “How would slowing my life allow me to grow my business?”

When you are open to the wisdom and opportunities within the paradox, you can increase your ability to see, and take advantage of, the new choices and options the paradox creates.

Integrating the Paradox Exercise

At this point, there are no shortcuts and theory won’t convince your brain that you can live in a paradox. You have to actually ask yourself the questions and seek the answers in order to reconcile how to move through the paradoxes that show up in your world.

Take 5min right now and follow the three steps. I’ve listed the questions below for ease of reference.

Start with a paradox you are living in now and work through the questions. If you struggle, ask a colleague for help, or bring it up during lunch or coffee break.

Step 1:
How often am I unaware that my frustrations are due to being torn between two competing demands?
Where am I expecting myself to be one-sided?
What are the conflicting or competing demands that I am unable to reconcile?

Step 2:
Can I accept the risks of being one side of the paradox (e.g., growing)?
Can I accept the risks of being the other side of the paradox (e.g., slowing)?
Am I willing to discover how to embrace both sides of the paradox at the same time (e.g., growing and slowing)?

Step 3:
How are the two sides of the paradox helping one another?
How would growing my business allow me to slow my life?
How would slowing my life allow me to grow my business?

Don’t keep riding the paradox pendulum. Living in paradox takes practice – and you can’t avoid it, so start integrating your extremes today.